Say things like "This would be marvellous for work" when you see a foul beige skirt suit, then hold it up to her neck and swivel her towards the mirror. You're not looking for sexy outfits, quite the opposite. Plead: "Just one more hour!" when she wants to stop for coffee.
As for her given name, mispronounce it at all times.ġ7. Anything twee and fluffy should kill off the sexual aspect of your relationship and turn you neatly into friends. If you want to speed up the process, refer to her playfully as "Mrs Wobble-Bottom".ġ6. Thus, she will retain her confidence and shed only you. Remember not to be openly insulting: that could destroy her self-esteem and have her clinging to you for years. Ask to sample her pudding, then cram most of it onto the spoon and swallow it whole. When you're in a restaurant, suggest she has the fish. Simply say, "Oh, are you having that?" in a quizzical tone, every time she makes herself a sandwich. Don't be overtly bossy or critical as it's far more annoying to be subtle. Then try bravely eating a piece of toast, and take to your bed for days with a "bread hangover".ġ5. Groan "I feel faint! I feel bloated!" after every meal. Go vegan, then insist you won't eat carrots, mushrooms or any kind of salad because you don't like them. Be lame and weedy on all matters related to your diet and health. She'll dump you in time to get your liver back into shape.ġ4.
Then fall asleep, sweating lager and snoring loudly. In bed, paw at her incompetently and belch at key moments. Don't stop until you're staggering, slurring and slightly embarrassing yourself. She'll be sad, sorry and puzzled - she genuinely won't know why. Before getting in, use the phrase, "I'm just going for a soak in the tub." After a while, she will tell you that the spark has gone. Don't listen to the cricket at the same time, as this is masculine and attractive. There's something weirdly annoying about men who take a lot of long baths. Really hold the floor.She will soon realize that you are social death.ġ2. Tell dull anecdotes, recount stories about people whom nobody has met. No, speak up as often and extensively as possible. I don't mean be quiet: that can be rather sexy at the right time. On social occasions with people she knows less well, be a bore. Then she'll dump you and tell the friends they must never speak to you again.ġ0. She'll tell you how delighted she is that you all get on. If she's away for the weekend, hang out with them and watch DVDs. She might express disapproval, even anger - but, secretly, she'll be drumming her fingers until 29 February, then hiding a ring in the soufflé. As for making bitchy remarks about them on the way home, you may as well engrave your name on her heart in gold. The ruder you are to them, the more she'll adore you. If you think you can drive a woman away by being nasty to her friends, guess again. This behaviour will soon drive her into the arms of a kinder and more attentive man, whom she doesn't fancy as much as you but likes better. If she's tearful, be sympathetic - while simultaneously checking your iPhone for football scores. Face to face, don't be afraid to actually wander out of the room in the middle of a conversation, as though you assume she's finished. On the phone, make sure to tap audibly at an email while she's speaking. Respond inappropriately to show you're not paying attention: say "Hmm, that's a pity" when she's delivering great news, and "Oh good" when it's something terrible. When she's talking about something important, simply tune out.
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